


I See Fire

by nostalgic_blossom



Series: I See Fire Series [1]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: AU, Additional Warnings Apply, Alternate Universe, Complete, Depression, Frottage, Gen, Grinding, Happy Ending, Making Out, Self-Destruction, Self-Harm, Self-Harming Louis, Suicide Attempt, Worry, a lil bit of larry, shh its okay, the tags sort of ruin the story, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-03
Updated: 2015-02-07
Packaged: 2018-03-10 04:45:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,760
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3277223
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nostalgic_blossom/pseuds/nostalgic_blossom
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Based off of 'I See Fire' by Ed Sheeran. </p><p>Louis can't cope with the future so upon finding self harm on Tumblr, he quickly takes to it as a form of self punishment. With the future coming head on and fast, Louis is stuck in a dismal and worry filled pit of life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I See Fire

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING! PLEASE DO NOT READ IF YOU COULD BE TRIGGERED BY THIS WORK
> 
> This is my first work on here and I really hope you like this.. I hope this turns out to be everything you and I imagined, x Sorry this chapter is incredibly short! I'm experiencing some family issues but I really wanted to write and post this as soon as possibly. But definitely look forward to longer ones to come, x

Louis Tomlinson was seemingly like any other 18 year old boy. A bit on the short side with deep indigo eyes, which once used to be bright, and feathery chestnut hair, mainly muscular but with a bit of a pudgy tummy from the late night snacking on his computer or doing homework. He also played soccer, got incredibly good grades, helped out with his family, had 4 close friends who would do absolutely anything for him. A parent's dream, really.  
  
But there was one thing about Louis's life that wasn't seen, one incredibly crucial part in fact. To start explaining, it really was not easy for Louis to be surrounded by people who seemed to have their whole futures planned out, people who had their heads screwed on in the right direction. Here he was, half a year away from graduating high school and Louis was yet to come up with an idea of what he wanted to do with his life.  
  
Many people thought of Louis as a go with the flow kind of guy and if Louis was being honest, that scared him more than anything. It was almost like he had this expectation to live up to now and he felt like a failure because he really did not see himself as a guy who could just "go with the flow." His family were almost pressuring, always asking him what he was doing with his life and scolding him when his reply was "I'm not sure yet, honestly." That reply made Louis's heart sink more and more every time the words left his lips.  
  
Saying those words made Louis feel sick and moronic, not knowing how to cope with those feelings, really. That was, until, Louis was on Tumblr and someone reblogged a gif of self harm. Being a naturally curious boy, he began to look up this act and was intrigued with what he found.  
  
His first basic thoughts were, "why would someone want to do this?" and "doesn't that hurt?" but once he researched more about this topic, Louis began to realize that some people did this to punish themselves. Storing this thought in the back of his mind, Louis closed his laptop and laid back on his bed to stare at the glow-in-the-dark star stickers on his ceiling.  
  
As the night grew on, his thoughts turned dark on him, names swirling around and thoughts of the future teasing him. 2 hours before he was due to get up for school, Louis fell asleep in tears as per usual, knowing he would be utterly exhausted tomorrow after school and soccer practice.  
  
-  
  
Two weeks later, a family gathering is all it took for Louis to start hurting himself. With the school year wearing down to only a little while left and Louis still not knowing what to do with himself, he locked himself in his room with his computer and a can of Pepsi once all of his, quite large, family had gone and he had helped his mum clean up. His head was spinning, heart aching and body exhausted. Louis felt idiotic for all the times that he had to tell people he had no idea what he was doing after high school. The social interaction had worn him out as well, making him agitated and cranky so he was glad he removed himself from the presence of his family so he wouldn't snap at them for no reason.  
  
Louis was angry at himself, undeniably so, and that was when something in his head clicked. He needed punishment and his thoughts immediately went to what he had found on self harm. He knew he didn't have any razors because he was meant to pick some up in the next few days because he ran out. Sighing, Louis looked around frantically for something to use. Eyes landing on his soda can, he quickly grabbed it and chugged the remains of his Pepsi. Holding the empty can, he grabbed his scissors and started to cut up the can in decent sized pieces.  
  
Undressing and sitting on his bed in only his boxers, Louis took a piece of the aluminum can in his hand and pulled his Spiderman boxers up a little to reveal more of his upper thigh. He took a deep breath, reminding himself again why he was doing this. Failure. Stupid. Hated. Annoying. Weak. Louis lowered his hand to his thigh, pressing the can down and after a moment of mental preparation, made a quick move with the object.  
  
Louis gasped as he slid the clipping of can across his skin, looking down as the small line of blood that replaced where the aluminum previously was. The cut stung and tingled, making Louis cringe a bit. This wasn't a pleasurable feeling but referring back to his research, this wasn't typically an act to be enjoyed. Louis has instantly decided that this wasn't going to be a regular thing for him but just in case he needed self punishment, he would keep his snips of the soda can.  
  
He grabbed a tissue from his bedside table and wiped the little spots of blood from his skin. He sighed, honestly hoping it would be more satisfying than what he got. He moved his boxers down a little bit and tossing the bloody tissue in the garbage bin. If his mother asked about the tissue, Louis could easily - and thankfully - say it was a nosebleed.  
  
Looking over at the clock, Louis seen that the time was about 1:45 in the morning. He had no idea how the time had passed so quickly but it's not that he was really complaining. Most nights, Louis didn't sleep until late because his body and mind wouldn't relax around bedtime.  
  
As Louis turned off his light and curled up in his bed, that was when the thoughts and names started. He felt like a failure, unable to even get passed one measly cut made with a piece of a soda can of all things. Hands down, he knew he couldn't even think of trying to use a razor on his skin but maybe he could search up other, less painful means of self harm. He made a mental note to look after school tomorrow and with that, he fell asleep around 3 in the morning with a tingly cut on his thigh and drying tears on his cheeks, hoping that tomorrow would be so much better than today was.


	2. Desolation Comes Upon The Sky

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully this is better than the last chapter and I hope you all love it.. Much love, x

Two months after the first cut, Louis was itching and craving for another. As time wore down and larger amounts of announcements were made about the upcoming graduation, Louis's mind was going into overdrive. Soccer practices were more intense now because the season was back in full swing and championships were approaching quickly as well. It was April and there was about 3 months left until the high school chapter ended in many teen's lives, including Louis's.  
  
Louis had been locking himself in the bathroom more often just to have a quick cry from all his built up stress along with crying himself to sleep nearly every night. This took a huge toll on not only his mental state but his physical state and it aroused concern.  
  
His friends, Harry, Niall, Zayn and Liam were all worried to extremes about the boy. They always asked about how he was feeling because lately, Louis looked like a proper mess. His hair was messy and he had dark circles under his eyes yet when they asked, instead of telling them the truth and fearing being called a wimp, he just said he was up late helping his mother with last minute wedding planning.  
  
Jay and Dan were getting married in 2 weeks and things at home were hectic enough, Louis didn't want to stress his mother with his stupid problems about being scared of the future. He was 18 years old for gods sake, being scared of silly things like that just seemed pathetic for him to be worrying about right now.  
  
-  
  
On this particularly fateful day, Louis came home in a rush after his long day. He had found out he failed a test that he had studied incredibly for, he was alone at lunch because his friends were either busy at lunch or not there that day, he had a small breakdown in the bathroom between his first two periods from the graduation announcements made first thing that morning and his soccer coach told him he had to get his head in place before the championships or else he wasn't playing.  
  
Once Louis passed through the front door, he immediately ran upstairs to his bedroom. He didn't say his hello's which was very unlike Louis. He went into his room, shutting the door and locking it behind him so no one walked in. His bag was dropped on his bed, shoes still on his feet as he paced back and forth in his room.  
  
Louis's heart was pounding in his chest, his mind racing. Like an angel and a devil on either of his shoulders, his thoughts went back and forth. A tough decision on whether or not he should reach into the back of the drawer in his bedside table behind his notebook to grab the old Pepsi can clippings. Tears filled his eyes as he tried to hold on with his willpower.  
  
Shaking his head, Louis made a quick stride to his bedside table and pulled out his soda can pieces. Tears fell down his cheeks as he pulled off his shirt, letting it fall to the ground. He took in a shaky breath as he quickly raised his hand and moved the blade across his bicep, up near his shoulder. Unable to stop, he made 5 more shaky cuts near the first, blood slipping down his arm as he dropped the clipping and fell to his knees in sobs.  
  
The tingling felt nice but he still had a deep guilt growing inside of him for what he just did. He honestly never thought he would do it again after the first time. He thought he was stronger than that but this proved he wasn't. He was weak. Pathetic. Stupid. How could anyone ever love him? How could his mother even love him?  
  
Louis let out a distressed cry, making a fist and punching himself in the thigh. He felt horrible and as he picked himself off the floor, he felt himself growing exhausted. All he wanted to do was nap but he knew his mother would get suspicious if he didn't change and go downstairs to see everyone. So he did just that. Putting on a loose pair of sweatpants and a long sleeved shirt, pushing the sleeves up to his elbows, he walked downstairs to be greeted by his cheerful twin sisters.  
  
"Hey, girls." He said just as cheerfully, picking up Daisy and holding Phoebe's hand as he walked into the kitchen where his mother was cooking dinner and Fizzy was making dessert. "Hi, mum." He said, kissing her cheek as he adjusted Daisy in his arms.  
"Hey, boobear. Why did you rush right in?" Louis sighed softly.  
"Oh, sorry about that, mum. I had an idea in my head about a project coming up for English Literature and I wanted to write it down before I forget it."  
  
Jay smiled softly, nodding. "Alright. Well, we have things covered in here. How about you take the girls in the other room with you and play with them and the babies while we get dinner ready? Dan is picking Lottie up at a friend's house on the way home." Louis smiled and nodded, ushering the twins into the living room after kissing Fizzy's cheek and making her squeal.  
  
Louis sat on the floor next to Doris and Ernest, playing with them and trying to get them to say his name as the twins danced around the room. Louis loved his family more than anything, they were the lights of his life. They made him the happiest when he felt stressed, they made him forget about the future.  
  
After a while, Lottie and Dan came home and they all had dinner followed by the delicious dessert compliments of Fizzy. Louis did the dishes once everyone was done eating and bathed the babies. He dressed them and the twins, putting them all to bed before he made his way back downstairs.  
  
Dan was helping the older girls with their homework so Louis walked into the kitchen to sit at the island next to his mother who was planning out last minute things for her wedding. "Everything looks fabulous, mum." Louis said honestly, looking over her plans. "I'm so excited for this, honestly. You're so happy with him and I love seeing you happy." He hummed, cuddling into her side.  
  
Jay sighed happily, wrapping her arm around Louis's waist and pressing a kiss to the top of his head. "Thank you, boo. You have no idea how much it means to me with all the help you're giving me with the kids and the wedding. Plus how kind you've been to Dan. You're my best friend, Lou. I don't know what I'd do without you. I love you so much." Jay told him, making tiny tears fill Louis's eyes and the guilt weigh heavier in his stomach.  
  
"Thank you, mum. I love you, too." He whispered, his voice cracking while he tried to keep his tears in. His mother's words truthfully just made him feel worse about what he had done in his room but she knew nothing of it. Instead, Jay chuckled softly, pulling back.  
  
"Oh, baby. It's okay. Don't cry. Here, how about you help me make sure all the place cards are in order?" She said, handing him a stack of unfolded cards with names neatly printed on them along with a guest list. Louis nodded, starting to go through the cards and doubling checking them along with the name on the list.  
  
Once he was done, he kissed his mum goodnight and called a quick goodnight to Dan as well. Louis still had homework to do and it was getting late so he made his way up to his room. He entered his room and seen the piece of Pepsi can resting on the floor, automatically walking towards it. Kneeling down, he picked it up and sighed.  
  
His mother was so proud of him but really, if she only knew. He was a completely mess and a failure in his own world but then it clicked in his brain. She didn't know about his cuts, the tiny marks on his bicep which felt like they were burning a bit because of his radiating skin. He really did feel better for a bit after he hurt himself so as long as his mother didn't find out, she couldn't be disappointed in him.  
  
Louis smirked to himself a bit, a sickening grin really. Louis hummed to himself, pulling his pants down and marking up his thigh. He was a disappointment to himself and if this was going to make him feel better, so be it. Everyone had their ways of coping. So what if this was his way, it was no one's business but his own.  
  
Louis fell asleep quite early that night with the clipping of aluminum under his pillow while his unfinished homework remained in his schoolbag. He had the whole weekend to do his homework, honestly, so he could spend the day with Harry and Zayn and do it on Sunday at the latest. After all, he had found his new escape from the worry of the future and that made Louis extremely relaxed.


	3. I Raise A Glass Of Wine For The Last Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a note, if anyone ever wants to talk, please let me know. I will try and help anyone I can. I love you all. Please enjoy this chapter because I'm on a roll right now :)))

Two weeks quickly passed and the piles of scars littered on Louis's thighs and biceps grew. His boxers covered the marks on his thighs and his shirt sleeves were long enough to cover the cuts on his arms, even leaving a bit of wiggle room. In his mind, he deserved every single mark and he was proud that he finally had found a way to see his punishment through. No one had found out yet and that's the way Louis liked it.  
  
It was now the day of Jay and Dan's wedding. Everything was hectic and Louis would surely hurt himself tonight after the stress of today, especially if he made mistakes. Currently, he was at his home getting dressed with Harry, Zayn unable to make the wedding and Niall and Liam meeting him at the wedding later. Dan was at his friend's house, due to tradition of not seeing the bride before the wedding and his mother was downstairs, getting ready with the girls.  
  
Louis and Harry had a sleepover since the girls were at his grandmother's house and his mother went out for her bachelorette party. The boys watched movies, ordered a pizza and played video games and by a request of Jay, they didn't even stay up too late because there was a lot to do tomorrow in preparation for the wedding.  
  
Jay was home at around 10 am to start getting ready for her wedding at 2. Fizzy was doing her hair and Lottie was doing her makeup, making their mother look absolutely phenomenal for her big day.  
  
Louis was getting his suit from his closet as Harry just stood up and started undressing and getting dressed in his wedding clothes. It was nothing new, they usually changed in front of one another. But this time, Louis grabbed his suit and headed for the door. He was going to get changed in the bathroom but this aroused suspicion in Harry.  
"Where are you going, Lou?"  
  
Louis froze, looking up at Harry with a soft smile. He had to think fast and make it believable which was fortunate for him. Right now, he was so glad he had taken those drama classes when he was younger. "I'm just going to get a quick shower, thought it would be easier if I just changed in there."  
  
Seeming to accept this, Harry nodded and smiled. "Alright, I'll just head downstairs and see if your mum needs any help with anything." Louis nodded and once Harry went downstairs, he sighed in relief. Maybe he was better at lying than he thought.  
  
After a quick shower, Louis got dressed, blow dried and styled his hair and brushed his teeth. He made his way downstairs, smiling softly at the sight of his stunning mother. "Oh, mum. You look breathtaking." He said, walking towards her and almost tearing up. Jay looked over, smiling at her oldest son. "Oh, don't make me cry, love. Lottie will kill you if I ruin my makeup."  
  
Louis chuckled at that, kissing her cheek. "I won't, I won't. I'm going to go help Harry. Only 20 minutes before we leave and all." Jay nodded, sending him off. The way she acted warmed Louis's heart. She didn't seem like she was getting the typical jitters, she seemed so confident about this wedding and even though everyone knew she was stressing inside, Jay was a strong woman. Everything would go perfectly and Louis was thankful for that.  
  
Louis walked over to where Harry was looking over the music list for the reception. He wrapped his arms around Harry's middle and rested his head on his back. "Oh, hello, my dear Hazza." He cooed, closing his eyes as Harry turned around in Louis's arms to wrap his own around Louis.  
"Hello, lovey. You excited?" Louis nodded happily.  
"So happy for mum, her and Dan are perfect for each other."  
  
Louis enjoyed the quick cuddle from Harry, feeling oddly at peace in Harry's arms in this moment. Pulling away, Louis sighed softly and nodded. "Alright, so.. Are you ready to dress the babies with me and round up everyone within.. 18 minutes?" He asked, chuckling. Harry nodding, saying he would race him as he grabbed Doris and ran upstairs. Louis laughed, getting Ernest and doing the same.  
  
Once the babies were changed and dressed, Louis took them and put them in his car as Harry got all the girls into the limousine to head to the venue. It was 1:00 pm and with it taking 20 minutes to arrive at the wedding venue, Louis had a half an hour to make sure everything was all set and ready for the wedding to start promptly at 2 pm.  
  
When Louis arrived, he and Harry each took a baby and went to check on everything. The caterers, the reception area and of course, to see if Dan was ready. Everything was a go as the guests all arrived and the boys met up with Niall and Liam, taking their seats as they waited for the wedding to start.  
  
-  
  
The wedding went smoothly, the only hitch being between Jay and Dan. Dinner quickly arrived and Louis stood up to make a speech, holding a glass of champagne in his hand. "Well, mum. You did it. Almost a year of stressing about your wedding and here you are, married to a wonderful man. Dan, you've made my mum the happiest I've ever seen her. And the kids? They love you. I do, too. You've done more than enough for us, for our mum. We can't repay you for that but hopefully you won't lose your mind living with us." Louis smiled softly, making everyone chuckle.  
  
"Dan, Mum.. I wish you both the best through everything. I love you both so much. Thank you for everything you've done for me." Louis finished, getting a bit choked up. He knew this was it. This was the last thing he would ever say to his parents because they were leaving for their honeymoon immediately after the wedding.  
  
Jay and Dan both pulled the boy in for a hug and a kiss on the cheek, thanking him for the wonderful speech. Louis nodded, excusing himself from the presence of them to go have a little cry in the bathroom and compose himself completely before returning to have dinner with Niall, Harry and Liam.  
  
Once dinner was over and the reception started, Niall and Liam had left because they both had work bright and early in the morning. Louis stayed and watched the first dance of the bride and groom before he pulled Harry aside and told him his plan of happily getting drunk.  
  
Louis took the bottle of wine from the table, hiding it under his jacket coat when Harry gave the all clear that no one was looking. He smirked, taking Harry's hand in his own and taking off into a sprint into the field beyond the reception. They ran and ran into the dimly-lit distance.  
  
Once they were far enough away that they couldn't be seen but they could still see the lively reception, they sat on the grass. Laughter surrounded them as Louis pulled out the fresh bottle of wine and a corkscrew. "I can't believe you did that." Harry laughed breathlessly, sitting with his legs stretched out in front of him and his arms behind him to keep himself up.  
  
Louis shrugged, "It is what it is, Haz. No one will notice." He said letting out a giggle as he climbed on Harry's thighs, facing him. He sat down, smirking a bit with his knees on either side of Harry's thighs. He pulled out the corkscrew and used it to open the wine, looking up at Harry once it was opened.  
  
He put the neck of the bottle to his mouth, tilting his head back and chugging quite a bit. He pulled away, wiping his mouth as he looked down at Harry. Louis giggled a bit, handing Harry the bottle and watching the boy drink it as well. With half the bottle gone, Louis was in a fit of giggles, Harry letting out a nice chuckle every now and then. They stayed in their conspicuous position, listening to the faded music until Louis looked down at Harry. Taking a deep breath and gripping Harry's shirt in both of his hands, he pulled the boy up, connecting their lips and kissing him deeply.  
  
Harry placed the bottle upright on the - thankfully - flat grass beside them, gripping at Louis's tiny waist as they made out on the dewy grass. Little whimpers and moans came from them, hips working together gently. Neither boy intended, nor made a move to stop what they were doing. Louis had never done anything like this before, especially with a boy. Was he even gay? Who knew right now. All he could think about was how good he felt when grinding against Harry.  
  
Louis whimpered his name, kissing along his neck as he moved his hips down to meet Harry's which the other boy grinded up. Their moans got louder as their hips moved more and more frantically. "Ha-Harry." Louis whined, nearing his climax. Harry reached down, grabbing Louis's bum and roughly grinding up into him to bring them both to their orgasms. Louis gasped and clinging to Harry as he stilled a bit, cumming in his boxer shorts.  
  
Harry had came at the same and fell back on the grass, panting slightly as he pulled an equally exhausted Louis on top of him. Giggles erupted from the older boy as he grabbed the wine bottle again, drinking more and cuddling up into Harry. Maybe he wouldn't hurt himself tonight, doing this with Harry would hurt enough in the morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ((Did anyone catch the foreshadowing? Please don't hate me.))


	4. Blood In The Breeze, And I Hope That You Remember Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS CHAPTER COULD BE TRIGGERING FOR SOME. PLEASE DO NOT READ IF THAT MAY BE THE CASE.  
> I really hope no one hates me for this chapter?? You'll be pleased with the last chapter, I'm hoping. Also, thank the snow day I had which brought you this chapter! You would have had to wait until tomorrow otherwise. Sorry it's a bit short, the last one will be longer, I promise! Anyway, kisses, xx

Five days after his mother's wedding, Louis was home alone. The girls were spending the two weeks at their grandmother's house. Louis was offered a place as well but politely declined saying she would have enough to handle with the girls and making her note that he was old enough to live on his own. Taking this answer and saying to call her if he needed anything, his grandmother left him alone with the money Jay left for him, sensing he would try and pull this.  
  
Louis got to work immediately, cleaning the whole house from top to bottom. Everything was dusted in every room, organized properly, clothes were washed and folded, toys were put away. The floors were swept and mopped, even the couch was taken apart and cleaned up. Louis literally cleaned the whole house for his family and it only took the first 2 days for him to do that.  
  
He had even messaged Harry, needing to talk to the boy after his thinking. Since their little fling at the wedding, Louis had come to the conclusion he was surely gay. Another new reason he found for him to cut himself. But sadly, Harry had not responded to any of Louis's desperate texts and calls. He only wanted Harry there with him in his last moments and the boy wouldn't even pick up.  
  
Instead, Louis called Zayn to come over. All Niall and Liam did now was work so he hadn't been seeing them much lately and they wouldn't be an option right now. It was either Zayn or be alone, not that he didn't love Zayn. The boy was one of his best mates, Harry being his absolute best but he didn't want to think of the boy right now yet he was all that was on his mind.  
  
Zayn arrived quite quickly, hugging the boy tightly once he seen him. "Missed you, mate. How've you been?" Louis chuckled.  
"I've been great." Lie. "How have you been?"  
"Well, thanks. Had a great holiday."  
  
Louis smiled and nodded, pulling the boy in and shutting the door behind him. He sat on the couch and listened to Zayn telling him about a skinny little blonde he met named Perrie. When Zayn talked about this girl, he was beaming - smiling from ear to ear. It really warmed Louis's heart to see Zayn looking so happy. The boys shared everything with each other and so Louis did. Blurting it out in a breathy panic. "I had an orgasm with Harry."  
  
Zayn immediately shut up, eyes going slightly wide as he looked at Louis. "Y-You mean you two..?" Louis shook his head, sighing and hanging his head in shame.  
  
"We didn't have sex. We just.. Dry humped, I guess?" Louis was mortified by his own words. "At mum's wedding. We took off and drank half a bottle of wine. I kissed him on impulse and one thing led to another. I guess technically I started it but I don't remember who started the grinding."  
  
Zayn nodded in complete understanding, pulling the boy into his arms for a cuddle. He knew Louis absolutely loved his cuddles when he was feeling bad. "Did you talk to Harry since then?" Louis shook his head, closing his eyes. "Are you gay?" Louis thought for a moment before nodding. "Do you like Harry?" This struck Louis, making him groan before shrugging. It was only a few moments after that he nodded.  
  
"I do like him and I'm gay and I'm properly fucked, aren't I?" He asked, looking at Zayn with teary eyes. "He won't answer any of my calls. He's disgusted by me and I don't blame him. I wouldn't even want to be with me. I'm such an embarrassment." Louis choked out, a few tears falling. This was new for him. He had never cried in front of his friends before.  
  
"Oh, sh. You're not an embarrassment. Any guy would be so lucky to have you, Lou. Harry could be worrying about his own sexuality right now, babe. Maybe he is scared you'll be angry at him instead." Zayn said softly, rubbing his back gently. "You're far from disgusting and trust me, if I liked guys, I would be all over you and this bum." He teased, pinching Louis's bum gently to make him giggle. "I'll go talk to him now, if you want?" Louis bit his lip, nodding. He just wanted Harry to love him. "I love you, mate."  
  
"Alright.. Thank you, Zee. I love you, too." He said softly, giving him a tight hug and watching him get up and leave with a quick wave. Once he was gone, Louis started crying all over again. He didn't believe a single word that Zayn said and why should he? He really was an embarrassment, disgusting, annoying. Harry must hate him now, after all, Harry isn't even gay and with Louis sitting on top of him, he couldn't move anyway. He probably weighed about 200 pounds for sure and Harry was so tiny.  
  
Nobody loved him. A fat, ugly, clingy, annoying faggot like him. Maybe it was time to off himself. He was planning on doing so while his parents were gone because it was ideal when he was alone but he had expected it to be sometime next week. Oh well, there's no time like the present, he thought. Besides, everyone would benefit from his death. He was just a burden and if he did this, he wouldn't have to stress about his future. This would be it, he could be at peace sooner than expected.  
  
Louis got up, walking upstairs to his room but not before he grabbed a bottle of vodka from his parents liquor cabinet. He hummed an eerily cheerful song as he opened the drink, chugging some of it straight. The taste burned his throat in a good way as he went into his bedroom. He put on a nice black suit it had gotten for his graduation that was due in a month and a half that he wouldn't be attending.  
  
He put his dirty clothes in his hamper, leaving his cell phone on his bed but not before sending out "thank you for everything, I love you, goodbye" texts to Zayn, Niall, Liam, his grandmother and his mum. He had to make quick work now. He took the vodka and went to the bathroom, locking the door behind him. He grabbed the package of replacement razor blades that Dan kept in the cabinet for his razor.  
  
Louis opened the package and took one out, his breathing getting caught in his throat for a minute. He had never used a razor to hurt himself, worrying about how different it would feel and how much more it would hurt. He had used his Pepsi can and a lighter he bought at the store but he didn't like burning himself very much.  
  
He sighed, shaking his head. He put the package back and moved to sit in the bathtub, his legs bent in front of him. He rolled up the sleeves of his suit, biting his lip as he picked up the shiny blade. Louis admired the metal a little bit, his heart racing with butterflies in his belly. He was strangely excited for this, taking another big drink of his vodka which was making his body begin to feel numb.  
  
He took a deep breath, putting the blade to his wrist horizontally. "One.. Two.. Three." He said to himself, slicing across and gasping at the sharp pain. This definitely hurt way more than any other form of punishment he gave himself. Louis groaned and quickly did the same on his other wrist. Blood was spilling from his cuts now, over the skin and onto his suit.  
  
Tears started to fall from Louis's eyes as he thought about all the reasons he was doing it. It burned his arms, making his whole body feel warm with a mix from the alcohol. His mind kept going back to Harry no matter how many times he tried to think of anything else.  
  
Louis was laying in the tub, arms by his sides as he stared at the ceiling. His arms stung but he would deal with it. He wouldn't have to deal with his future, him coming out, nothing else stressful in his life now. These thoughts made Louis laugh weakly, tears of joy falling from his eyes. There was someone entering his house and running up his stairs while in his bedroom, his phone went off with a text message from Harry but Louis wasn't able to hear any of it, eyes falling shut.  
  
 **-I was talking to Zayn earlier.. I like you, too, Lou. So much. Can I come over? x-**


	5. If This Is To End In Fire, Then We Shall All Burn Together

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First off, I am SOSOSO sorry that I couldn't update sooner. I was sick and there were family issues that needed tending to first. I hope you all understand, x  
> AH! Anyway. So, yeah. That was it! My first work on here. Did you like it? I hope so! ^-^  
> I'm thinking about writing a oneshot for what happens afterwards? What do you think?  
> Thank you for all your support! I love you all, x

Louis woke up and everything was white. He had read of this happening in stories but he never believed that it would actually happen. But here it was, everything surrounding him was white. It felt peaceful and calm around him. _Was this heaven? ___he thought until a beeping pulled him out of his trance.  
  
Groaning, his eyes adjusted to his surroundings and he looked over to the heart rate monitor on his left. Louis reached a hand up to rub his eyes, looking at the chair by his bed to see Harry sitting there sleeping. His heart dropped to his stomach when he seen the boy. "I see you're finally awake." He heard his mother's voice by the door. Louis sighed softly, looking over at Jay.  
  
"Oh god. Mum, I am so, so sorry. I didn't.. Well, I mean.. I wasn't thinking straight." Louis babbled as his mother started walking over to his bedside, shaking her head. Louis immediately shut up, tears in his eyes as he slowly sat up. "I am really sorry. I just.. I don't know."  
  
Jay sighed, kissing his head and nodding. "I get that you don't know, Louis. I just don't know what kind of a parent I am to not notice how much one of my babies was hurting. What kind of mother am I to make you feel like you had no other option? Am I a horrible mother? Do I not listen to you enough? Do you think I'm not there for you all?" Jay asked, her words barely coming out coherently as tears began falling down her face as she rubbed the back of Louis's hand with her thumb.  
  
"Please, no.. Don't say that. Please don't say that. Mum, this isn't your fault." Louis choked out, tears rolling down his own cheeks as he heard his mother's words. He felt even worse than before for making his mother feel like this. His whole world was rocked and apparently so was his mothers. He didn't think she would care. Having one less child to supply for, to feed, to take care of and in Louis's case, to put up with.  
  
"Well then, Lou. I don't know what it could have been. I got a call on my honeymoon saying that my oldest baby tried to off himself and I, being miles away, couldn't do a thing about it until I came home." She said, biting her lip to try and stop herself from crying even more. Her eyes were red, her chin wobbling a bit. "Louis.. If you won't talk to anyone else about this, I would like you to talk to a therapist. Please, can you do that for me? And if not for me, than for yourself?"  
  
Louis looked over at Harry, the boy still sleeping. Even with the worried look on his face while he slept, he still always managed to look calm and innocent. His long limbs stretched out in the hospital chair, messy hair tucked into his sweater hood and plump, pink lips parted slightly in his sleep. Ever since the wedding, the boy was all he thought about and it was worse because he wasn't around. Now here he was, in the same room with him, sitting beside him, after he tried to kill himself. "Louis?"  
  
He was pulled from his thoughts and staring at Harry by his mother's voice. "Louis, he's been here the whole time. Ever since he found out. Niall was the one to find you. According to Zayn, he was with you before it happened then he left to talk to Harry and Niall was on his way home from work when he got your text." Jay said, playing with his hair to relax him. "I was the one who told Harry, Lou. The look on his face is something I will never forget, he was absolutely devastated. He said the last thing he said to you was that he liked you back. Babe, I didn't even know you liked guys."  
  
"I.. I was going to tell you eventually. It was a bit of a shock to me as well. Sort of realized it after you left so I never got the chance to tell you. I am really, really sorry that I ruined your honeymoon." Louis murmured, feeling incredibly guilty for doing so. "I promise when I get out of here I'll do anything you need me to for the rest of my life. I-" Jay cut him off.  
  
"Lou, darling. I've already seen the house, you cleaned everything. It's absolutely spotless, love. You didn't have to do that and you didn't ruin our honeymoon. We're already planning on going somewhere in a few months time. Right now, all that matters is that you get better and everyone is here to support you. I love you so much, we all do. You know that, right?" Louis nodded, biting his lip as he looked up at his mother.  
  
"Yes, I know. That's not really why I did this though. I.. I can't really explain it to you right now, but I promise I will in a little while, okay?" Jay nodded, running her fingers through his hair as Harry began to stir in the chair. "H-He's waking up." Louis whispered more to himself than anything, his voice shaking a bit.  
  
Harry groaned before yawning and stretching a bit, opening his eyes and looking over at them. "Hey, Lou. You're finally up." He breathed out in relief without any hesitation. Louis nodded weakly, biting his lip. His heart felt like it was racing a million miles a minute and it embarrassingly showed on his heart monitor that his heart rate had in fact increased. This, for whatever reason Louis couldn't think of, made Harry chuckle.  
"Calm down, Lou."  
  
Jay smiled at Harry. "I'm going to call Dan, that will give you two some time while you talk things out. Okay, Louis? You'll be okay if I leave?" She asked her son, rubbing his back gently while he nodded again. Louis was nervous and at a loss for words in front of Harry. "Okay, call me if you need anything. I'll be back later." Jay said before exiting the room, leaving the two boys alone.  
  
Harry immediately got up and sat next to Louis on the bed, looking down at him while, again, Louis's heart rate sped up. "Relax, Lou. It's only me, okay? Everything is okay." Louis, expectantly, nodded before he choked out his first two words for Harry.  
"I-I know."  
  
There was silence, neither boy talking until they both started to speak at the same time. "O-Oh, you can go first." Louis whispered, still not wanting to look up at Harry so instead looking down at his gauze bandaged wrists.  
"No, you go. What you have to say is more important."  
  
"I owe you an apology. A huge one." Louis began, taking a deep breath and looking up at the younger boy. "Harry, fuck. I am so unbelievably sorry. I don't even know what came over me. I was just so upset and I didn't know why you weren't talking to me. And _no ___, god no, this isn't your fault." He quickly said when Harry's expression fell even more. "This is my own fault, I did this to myself. This was nearly the biggest mistake I would have made.. My mum. She told me that you liked me back. The text message I never got." Louis finished, relaxing into Harry's chest a bit.  
  
Harry blushed and nodded. "I do, love. An awful lot, like, your mum's wedding was one of the best nights of my life but we can't talk about that right now." He sighed, rubbing his hands over his face. "Lou, why didn't you tell me that something was wrong? Babe, I could have helped." Louis shook his head, closing his eyes and resting into Harry's chest more.  
  
"No, you couldn't have done anything. You can't stop the future from happening. That's the main reason I did this, I believe. I'm scared of the future, more than anything and I really can't deal with it, Haz. Not like everyone else can and that makes me feel dreadful." He choked out, wiping his eyes as he tried catching his breath.  
  
"Don't worry, love. It's okay, you'll get through this and I'll be right by your side, yeah?" Harry said, pulling Louis even closer. "I promise you that we can take this one second at a time and look, we're already entering the future now. Oh, and again!" He said happily, trying to make Louis feel calm. "Every second that passes is us entering the future. Crazy, huh? You just have to focus on the present and things will be perfectly fine. Can you do that for me? How are you feeling right now? What is on your mind?"  
  
"Right now, I really want to kiss you." Louis whispered, looking up into Harry's eyes then glancing at his lips. Without replying, Harry smirked and leaned down to press his lips against Louis's. This was something he had wanted to do again ever since the wedding, although his nerves got the best of him and he couldn't even speak to Louis. But this - this was so much better than words. Louis's lips pressed tight against Harry's, moulded together in an almost perfect match.  
  
That's when the door opened, the two boys pulling apart quickly as Zayn, Liam and Niall walked in. "Oh, Lou." Niall was the first to speak, tears in his eyes as he ran to Louis and tugged him into a nice, firm hug. Louis hugged him back, squeezing the boy tightly and apologizing over and over again. "It's okay, shh. It's okay." Niall whispered, pulling away and wiping his eyes.  
  
Next to hug him was Liam, the boy letting out a few sobs and pressing a kiss to his temple. Liam felt so guilty that he wasn't there for Louis when the boy needed someone and his sadness was expressed on his face. This time, it was Louis telling Liam that things were okay and that Louis was okay now. Liam nodded and sat at the end of the bed, drying his eyes with the sleeve of his sweater.  
  
When it was Zayn's turn, he hit him in the arm. It wasn't hard and didn't really hurt but it was all that Zayn could do before he broke down in tears in Louis's arms. Out of the 4 boys, Zayn was probably the most upset about what happened. He had seen Louis only a half hour previously to him trying to commit suicide and he never even seen it coming. It tore Zayn apart that he couldn't see anything was wrong with his best friend and even more so that he didn't do anything to stop it.  
  
Louis held Zayn close, whispering in his ear that it wasn't Zayn's fault. He knew what Zayn was thinking and Louis needed to push those thoughts from his head. "You didn't know, Zayn. I didn't tell anyone or give anyone any clues to think there was something wrong. Please don't blame yourself for this, babe. It's okay. Everything will be okay. I'm gonna get better, I promise."  
  
"We'll be right beside ya, Lou. Anything you need, just tell us, okay?" Niall said, sitting in the chair that Harry had been sleeping in. Louis nodded as Zayn pulled away to wipe his eyes free of hot tears. Zayn cleared his throat a few times before he began to talk.  
  
"Yeah, we will always be there for you, babes." Zayn said with a bit of a scratchy voice, reaching out to rub his thigh gently in reassurance. "Always. No matter how busy we seem or even if we get into a fight about anything. You just tell one of us how you're feeling or even if you feel a bit down. We will be there to help you. I promise you that you will never be alone in this."  
  
"Yeah, Lou," Liam began, "You could come visit me at work and I could sneak you a free tea." He winked at Louis, making him blush which then, made all the boys chuckle. "Just come in to do your homework or even if you would be willing to relax and enjoy a tea until I got off work so we can talk." Louis nodded, wiping his teary eyes.  
"I just can't cope like other people can with the simplest things. I have no idea what I'm doing after school. That's the big kicker, I think. The future. It's scary-" Niall cut him off.  
  
"But also inevitable."  
"Yeah, I know but that doesn't mean I'm not scared. Terrified, even. I think I'm just scared that I'll mess things up along the way and not be able to get a good job then I won't have a good life or make money or I could even be stuck at a job I hate for the rest of my life. I could become homeless or have to resort to being a stripper." He whined, clearly upset about the last one which made Zayn snicker.  
  
"Babe, you do have the body to be a fantastic stripper so you wouldn't have to worry about being homeless. You could stay with your mum if needed or one of us, I'm sure." The other lads nodded at Zayn's statement.  
"Of course, Lou."  
"Anytime, mate."  
"Guys, graduation is coming up. The big issue right now is what I'm going to do after college. I am beyond scared and everyone expects me to know what I'm going to do but I really don't and every time I admit that, I hate myself a little more."  
  
Louis looked around at the faces of his friends. Niall was deep in thought with god knows what. Liam clearly upset, the look written all over his face. Zayn had an unreadable expression on his face but looked like he was trying to figure something out. Then there was Harry. Sweet, lovely, darling Harry, he was staring at Louis with those bright green eyes that made Louis want to melt. Louis didn't even bother to try and find out what was on Harry's mind because all the boy cared about right now is that Harry was right there with him. There was a bit of silence, the boys thinking, once Louis admitted this before someone spoke. It was Niall.  
"Hey Lou?"  
"Yeah?"  
"Why don't you become a teacher. A primary or a drama teacher. You're great with little kids and I've never seen you happier than when you're acting. You could go to RCSSD for the drama thing." The other boys all nodding and chattered in agreement.  
"That's such a great idea, Niall." Liam said happily, cuddling the boy in close with praise.  
  
Louis thought on this, weighing out the pros and cons between the two. Pros; he was doing what he loved - what made him undeniably calm, he loved kids and he would get weekends and paid summers off. Cons; he may not get work right away and be stuck without a job and he may not have the patience to be a teacher. But still, his pros outweighed his cons because he could really see himself becoming a teacher.  
  
"Yeah, actually. That is a really ace idea, Niall. I think I could do that with my life." He said, getting emotional as he admitted this. The boys cooed over him, enveloping him in one giant group hug.  
"You'll be a phenomenal teacher, mate."  
"Yeah, Loubear. You can do it."  
"Absolutely, babe. I believe in you."  
  
Harry's comment made Louis's heart swell up and burst into a million tiny butterflies which escaped down into his belly. Harry believed in Louis and that meant more to Louis than nearly anything else in the entire world. When the boys all pulled away, Jay came in and smiled at the sight of everyone seeming so happy. "All good, boys?" Louis giggled and nodded.  
"Yes, mum."  
"Alright. I hate to disrupt you but it's getting late and visiting time is over so you'll have to say your goodbyes. Harry, are you staying again?"  
  
Without even looking at Louis for confirmation, he nodded. Louis smiled over at Harry proudly. The boys groaned but said their goodbyes anyway, each giving Louis a kiss on his head and a tight hug before leaving. Jay hummed and said goodbye to each boy as well, walking over to her son. "I'm going to head home myself. Now, I trust you're in good hands with Harry but don't hesitate to call me if you need anything, alright?" Louis nodded, kissing his mother's cheek.  
  
"I love you, mummy. I'll see you tomorrow, yeah?" Jay nodded, kissing his forehead and smiling as she excused herself to go home. Louis grinned over at Harry once she was gone, leaning into his side. Harry wrapped his arm around Louis and pulled him close while pressing a kiss to his temple.  
  
"You look sleepy, babe." Harry said, observing Louis as he rubbed his eyes with a balled up fist. Louis blushed brightly, his cheeks turning pink as he nodded. "Come on then, let's have a nice sleep then, hmm?"  
  
Instead of responding, Louis just laid down in the bed and pulled the blankets over his body. "Will you please get the lights?" He asked Harry sweetly, the other boy chuckling and nodding before getting up to do so. He returned the bed and laid down next to Louis, the blankets pulled over him by Louis. Harry wrapped his arms around Louis, pulling him closer and pressing a few kisses to his cheek before closing his eyes and whispering to Louis.  
  
"Goodnight, my love."  
"Goodnight, Hazzabear. Sleep well."  
  
It wasn't long before little snores were coming from Harry, making Louis smile with fingertips ghosting along Harry's cheek while he watched the younger boy sleep. He felt relaxed and calm, nothing to worry about now because it finally struck a cord in his brain. Why should he worry about the future when he could be enjoying the present? He was through missing out on all of the wonderful things that were happening around him. For once, he finally realized that things were going to be okay in his life, future be damned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I suck at endings, x remember to tell me if you want a oneshot epilogue!


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